Have you experienced a state of “flow” during sex? What is the correlation between flow and sexual satisfaction? A new research study by Jamea, E. N., McCaskill, L.A., & Needle, R. B. (2021) found that flow proved to be a significant positive predictor of both partner-focused and personal sexual satisfaction. In this episode, Laurie and George talk about how to find this sexual rhythm that will help you fall into each other, lose yourself in the moment, and merge together as one.
In general—how do we control happiness and contentment during sex? By entering the zone... Happiness requires a committed, intentional effort. When we become absorbed in a flow:
Get in sync with your partner and have passionate, fulfilling, and BETTER sex!
Check out the article and research by Dr. Emily Jamea, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC!
We are keeping HOT this week! Real talk about female pleasure and the clitoris…
Discover new techniques to increase pleasure during sexual intercourse. Using research from OMGYES and Laurie’s sex therapist experience, we hear about techniques to try—both physical and psychological—to help your partner experience more pleasure. Women: FEEDBACK is important, so being vocal about what feels good or even showing your partner can help you have better sex and intimacy. In this episode, we’ll discuss 4 techniques from the study: angling, rocking, shallowing, pairing, and kegel squeezes!
Explore even more techniques with informative videos and graphics at OMGYES.com. Our listeners get a 10% discount with our link OMGYES.com/foreplay!
Research by OMGYES gives insight into how women can increase their pleasure in vaginal penetration. In partnership with Indiana University and Kinsey Institute researchers, OMGYES has interviewed and surveyed thousands of people with vulvas about what’s made their pleasure better. Everybody is different—What works for you?
Finding out what works for other people can help you find NEW things that expand your pleasure.
THERAPISTS AND CLINICIANS: This has been such a valuable resource for us to use as sex and couples therapists! We highly recommend it for sex-positive educational purposes, PLUS certified nurses, clinicians and therapists get free personal access—so you can see whether you want to recommend it to clients! All you need to do is email your professional website/profile to firstname.lastname@example.org!
Anal play, anal penetration, prostate stimulation or anal sex. While we may feel squeamish about this subject - the anus IS an erogenous zone charged with sexual nerve endings. It's also a body part that from childhood that we've been taught is contaminated and dirty. We may even feel shame about the anus. Especially we might feel shame about our desire to include it in our lovemaking and then never talk to our partner about these ideas. We're not trying to get you to try anything you don't want to try. But George and Laurie are trying to get you to have a conversation about it. We want people to see the opportunity in these vulnerable conversations to share who they are. Even if you don't get what you want, there is something important about knowing yourself and knowing your partner better. If we protect ourselves and don't have these conversations, we ultimately have lower engagement in our partnerships.
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Maybe you or your partner is uninterested in or uncomfortable with certain acts, such as oral sex. Both men and women can resist oral sex. What’s holding them back? The turn off could be anything: smell, taste, self-consciousness, discomfort, cleanliness, or fear of failure. But most of these concerns can be mitigated by change!
However, some things may be off limits entirely and we have to understand and respect our partner’s boundaries… How do we grieve for sex acts that we want but just aren’t on the table for our partners?
This week we’re talking about erotic blueprints. Like the 5 love languages—but all about sex! We all have different ways that we get turned on… Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky, and the Shapeshifter. Do you know your dominant style?
When partners have different sexual styles, they can be on completely different wavelengths and don't understand what their partner wants. How do you get them talking about it and into flexibility, so that they can meet each other's needs?
In a committed erotic life, you have to be willing to meet each other half way. Some of the time, figuring out what your partner's big turn on is and giving them that, keeps it exciting for both of you. How can we meet our partner in a different approach and learn to speak each other's erotic language?
Erectile dysfunction is a common issue and can be caused by a number of reasons such as anxiety, age, medication, and physiological issues. The good thing is, ED is treatable!
Anxiety is perhaps the number one reason for ED. Oftentimes the pressure of performing can become overwhelming and cause a disconnect because they are unable to relax. With unrealistic expectations that come from porn and society, men can be harsh on themselves and worry that they aren’t a good lover. Men are hindered from being in the present moment because they are concerned about their performance and focused on the “end goal” being ejaculation.
But what is the goal of sex and intimacy? Is it orgasm or deep connection? The goal is to focus on the love and the connection, not the finish line. Focusing on the connection without expectations can be an excellent anecdote for anxiety. If the goal is connection, there is a beautiful opportunity to use vulnerability to come alongside parts of each other that almost never get connection. When struggling with ED, men need reassurance from their partner and know that they will be loved and wanted regardless of the outcome. Learn to let your partner in during these moments and face those fears together, not alone. There is strength in sharing fears and overcoming them together.
What are the blocks that keep us from each other? Withdrawer blocks might look like taking space through laughing, walking away, or being too positive to avoid emotional pain. A sexual withdrawing block might be a headache or being busy. A sexual pursuer block may be angry pressure trying to motivate change or wishing to wake up their partner and drive a sexual action. Laurie and George show the way to see past the block. You don't have to be perfect but you CAN get through blocks. Take George's challenge about what to do with the blocks from your partner!
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Does your partner feel just outside of your grasp? Are you longing for a deeper physical and emotional connection? Pursuers and withdrawers have different needs and fears that need to be heard and understood... What do you long for?
Fulfilling each other's needs and desires can bring you closer together, but you have to communicate and create the space for this to happen. Pursuers fear rejection and often feel like they're being "too much." They need to feel wanted and fought for. Withdrawers fear failure of "letting their partner down" which is why they are hesitant to engage. They need to feel acceptance and reassurance from their partner.
You have to meet each other halfway... Pursuers—create safety by expressing your longing for both sexual and emotional connection to your partner. Be attentive to their needs and give affirmation of their feelings. Withdrawers—you hold a lot of power and being willing to initiate can go a long way. Meet your partner with excitement and reciprocate a desire for deeper intimacy.
When the pursuers longings are finally met, it can be very healing for both partners. Enjoy the afterglow moment together!
How can you navigate the world of online dating and find a partner with the qualities you’re looking for? How can you avoid wasting time on drama and ghosters and find people interested in a similar connection?
It’s hard to know much about a person by evaluating their online profile. Most profiles keep it surface level- their hobbies, career, favorite books, etc. But who are they really? What are their values? And what level of commitment are they looking for?
When you’re online dating with the intention of finding a partner and real commitment, it can be hard to decipher who is on the same page. And the “swiping” culture doesn’t help with clarity… Physical attraction can become the highest value and maybe you’re basing that first impression solely on their profile picture. Or maybe you’re only looking for casual sex, no strings attached. What’s important is being clear and upfront about your intentions and what level of commitment you’re looking for! Without communicating this, somebody could be hurt. Authenticity will prevent things from getting lost in translation and save everyone’s time.
Online dating can be tricky… and putting yourself out there can be a little scary! So, when you set up your online profile, ask yourself: Who am I? What do I need? What qualities are important to me in a partner? What kind of commitment and connection am I looking for? And then, make those values very clear on your profile.
Why is makeup sex so hot?! Emotions are so raw in the moment… and anger can be arousing! The passion is mutual and therefore, even hotter! Energy is high, inhibitions are low, and both partners are present. Distance is created when fighting and the act of makeup sex literally bridges that distance. The most threatening part of a relationship is right before the makeup scene… the riskiness. Which is why the experience of overcoming those fears together feels even better. It’s the mutual affirmation that brings greater connection—which equals greater sex!
But how can we skip the fighting and distance altogether and still get this kind of passion in everyday sex?! What risks can you take together that will bring you closer? It’s about being present in the moment together… Maybe it’s going on a high-adrenaline date together like skydiving. Or meeting in a bar as strangers! Even taking emotional risks and revealing vulnerable parts of yourself can be arousing...
Let’s open the door to the erotic mind of a female…What do women fantasize about? What gets them hot?
Not just fantasizing in the moment—but even daydreaming can be exciting. Our minds are designed to wander… Women often turn the switch “on” by thinking about old memories, fantasies, romance novels, movies, etc. These scenarios and thoughts tend to have more of a romantic narrative than men. There can be more emotional connection involved sometimes, but women also fantasize about being “taken” and respond to a man’s powerful, dominating sexual energy! There is no shame in whatever your fantasies may be, and it can be freeing to express those with your partner! If exploring those fantasies together increases your engagement and keeps you present in the moment—it’s a good thing! Creating the safety to have these conversations is a great start that will lead to a deeper connection.
In this week’s episode, Laurie shares her perspective on the erotic mind of women with George, and together they break down the themes of female arousal...
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Why do men struggle with expressing their emotions? Often they’ve spent much of their lives learning how to avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs—adhering to values such as toughness, assertiveness, logic, disciple, and confidence. They are trained to feel like expressing their emotions is a “weakness,” making them reluctant to embrace being vulnerable. How can we help men/ emotional withdrawers open up and be vulnerable?
As a partner, you can encourage vulnerability by creating safety. A soft approach is important to reassure the withdrawer that they aren’t doing anything “wrong.” Being too pushy can make the withdrawer more defensive and retreat. When initiating a conversation, it should be an invitation—not an accusation.
Being vulnerable can take time... so pace it and celebrate the little wins! We want men/withdrawers to embrace the positive benefits of vulnerability to bring deeper intimacy!
What are some of the common sexual "blocks" that women experience? Reservations around the idea of sex can come from a number of things – religious values, guilt and shame, body image and acceptance, or society's perception of female sexuality. These inhibitions can shut down the erotic mind completely... How can females overcome these hindrances and develop a healthier relationship to sex?
Listen to this week's episode as Laurie & George answer questions from fans!
Pursuers become burned out after being turned down time and time again... This rejection causes them to lose their confidence and be more cautious. How can men get back their sexy confidence and energy that women crave?!
Great sex NEEDS communication! Pursuers have to change their relationship to getting feedback- welcoming it instead of perceiving it as criticism and pushing back.
Men need to champion themselves internally with affirmations- talk yourself up, you handsome devil!
Take charge like a 21st century pirate- with communication and strong energy!
Borrow some mojo from other roles in your life where you do feel confident and in your element!
Fantasize about a different, more confident you...Rocky in the bedroom! The pirate, the caveman!
Listen to Laurie and George talk about the ways that men can get their mojo back after being shot down...
In early dating years our partner’s face lights up at the thought of sex, they tell us with their eyes that we make them hot. The gleam in their eyes hits our body, hits our center, hits our being. Feeling that we light up their world is a turn-on!
Secure attachment begins with the loving gaze of our mother or parent – cradled in the crook of their elbow – they smile and coo because we are theirs. Later in childhood we know we belong and make our parents proud when we see it in their eyes… not so much for our accomplishments but because we are their son or daughter.
In romantic partnership, sexual desire that radiates from our partner’s face and gaze is a powerful reminder of belonging, safety. We revel in being the person who excites our partner.
What happens though when our partner is willing to have sex but doesn’t give us that deep reassurance that we are desirable with a gleam in their eye? Can we get it back? How do we tell them what we need from them to turn on? Listen as George and Laurie get through to each other about how sexual desire is tied to being the gleam in our partner’s eyes.
Have you lost your confidence in bed? Anxiety is a sex killer. Whether it’s anxiety over your performance, being vulnerable, being naked, expectations of yourself, or of what sex is supposed to be like… any of these might interfere with pleasure, communication, self-esteem, and connection.
This week, EFTers, Trainer Dr. Zoya Simakhodskaya, Ph.D. and Supervisor Michael Moran, LCSW, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, CST join George and Laurie to talk about how playfulness is the antidote to anxiety when making love!
Join us, as four sex therapists&couples counselors share how to start with a light, playful mood to shift the energy. Breathe and be powerful in overcoming any root of anxiety in bed. Can’t beat the fun or experience present in this episode as these two experts teach and tell their stories about helping couples change their sexperience from fear to confidence.
How do you feel about having sex during your/her period?
There can be a negative connotation to intercourse during a woman's menstrual cycle that goes way back in history. This interpretation of a woman being "unclean" when menstruating is outdated- it's a natural, healthy, and beautiful thing! Even the word "period" makes most men uncomfortable and a topic they tend to avoid. At the same time, women are often taught to not talk about their cycle and are worried about the shame aspect... This is an important conversation to have...often men and women both have some resistance to having sex during her period. But, sex is always messy!
We talk a lot about cycles, the pursuer/withdrawer, but how do couples see the menstrual cycle as their cycle? Not her cycle? How can it be something that they they do together and use this cycle to unite? They want to be there for each other when the other is down and not feeling so great... So wouldn't this also be a fantastic opportunity for vulnerability for couples? This is also a great time for non-sexual touching! Hormonal changes during this cycle can make you more sensitive and feel crappy...so maybe she needs more nurturing, comforting, or cuddling during this time!
Is this a conversation you've had with your partner?
Premature ejaculation is very common, but also very treatable. It can be caused by a number of things such as performance anxiety, biological factors, early experiences with sexuality, or relationship issues. Sometimes it is related to the way that boys learned to masturbate "quickly" in their teenage years. Both men and women tend to have control over masturbating, but the body can be triggered too early with excitement or fear during intercourse.
Things like pornography set up unrealistic expectations for sex and how long it lasts. When in reality, the average intercourse is about 8 minutes! Premature ejaculation averages about 1 minute. This can create certain expectations that men have for themselves which results in pressure and anxiety. This anxiety is often the reason for early climax. With sex, there can too much focus on orgasm, and not enough on intimacy! Being present and focusing on a deeper connection can help.
In this week's episode, we'll talk about ways to overcome this problem!
Jump into 2021 with a sense of direction for your relationship! Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist George Faller as they talk about setting intentional relationship goals in 2021.
The point of the holidays is to share love and connection! It's also a great time to spur meaningful conversations!
Set aside time to ask each other questions like:
What’s your earliest Christmas memory?
What is your favorite part of Christmas?
What was your favorite gift?
What was your worst Christmas and why?
What was your best Christmas and why?
The simplest of questions can lead to a deeper conversation. Sharing memories and stories can be a great tradition to start!
What are some of your favorite holiday traditions?
The holidays are busy for everyone! But you can't forget to make time for your partner... Let's talk about the 5 love languages and ways to express your love during the holiday season.
Gary Chapman's five love languages describe how we receive and give love:
-Acts of Service
-Words of Affirmation
Do you know your love language? What about your partner's? We all want to feel loved and appreciated, but in different ways. We may be more responsive to certain love languages than others.
But, we need all five! If you put them all together, it gives room for major growth in your relationship. Little reminders can go a long way- simple things like helping wrap presents, taking over chores, sitting by the fire together and watching a romantic movie, telling your partner how much you appreciate them, mistletoe kisses or a massage! Listen to hear our suggestions on how to speak your partner's love language during the holidays.
Originally identified by Freud, the “madonna/whore complex” is the inability to maintain sexual arousal in committed, long-term relationships. It is the split between the softhearted and sexual currents in male desire. Freud wrote “where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love.” Men want to keep the two separate- they desire a sexual partner who is sexy and promiscuous, while they cannot sexually desire the respected partner. Women in particular split themselves- whether it’s the all-giving, loving mother madonna or the fun, sexy party girl. It can be hard to merge the two! The difficulty when you're in a committed monogamous relationship, is this how do we let both parts of ourselves out? And how do we see both parts in our partner. The same applies to women and their conflicting desire for the “caveman/co-partner!”
Don’t settle for either/or! How can you have both? Sometimes this requires re-eroticizing your partner, taking risks, and rekindling the lustful side of yourselves. What Freud was missing was...you need secure attachment to make it work! In order to bridge the divide of how to feel safe while also bringing out that lustful side, you need clean ways of communicating that create safety in your relationship. That integration is the key!!
Women who have felt or seen their partner’s anger will not be able to feel his erotic vibe. Sexual pursuers can become demanding when their partner isn’t responding to their attempts at intimacy. Their frustration can keep increasing and eventually boil over and become anger (COVID definitely hasn’t helped with impatience!) While anger can sometimes provide quick change in the short-term, it is not sustainable in the relationship long-term. In the long-term, anger can slowly disintegrate the relationship and feeling of safety.
Men and women can both be hot-tempered! However, an angry man can unconsciously frighten a woman by his intensity, strength and size. For a man, moving out of a place of silence into a place of speaking and expressing your feelings is important - the manner in which you do this is more important. Even if you have no intention of physically acting on your anger, it may shut down your partner’s sexy feelings. Hear what Laurie does to respond to a roleplay of George’s anger by 1) not responding in kind 2) being firm and 3) removing herself when the anger reaches the point of abuse.